"The doors we open and close each day

decide the lives we live."

~Flora Whittemore

How many times have your heard the saying, "When one door closes, another one opens"? It seems no matter how many, we often forget this in times of crisis, disappointment and unrequested change.

We need not fully understand why a change is occurring to ask ourselves: Am I going to let this door hit me in the rear or am I going to 'break on through to the other side'?

Very often the doors that close are positive for us!  Let's be honest, whether it be fear or insecurities, we often wait too long to make the necessary changes on our own . There are times when we ought to be grateful for the closure and consider what new and more positive paths await us.

The choice is always ours. Are you a survivor or a victim of change?

I always advocate for survivor and therefore, thriver!

Go ahead, look back and ponder for a bit, always remembering, "The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live." 

Now, please spend the rest of your time and energies finding and going through the new, more positive door. It is through this door you will discover your best self and gain the ability to enjoy all the wonderful life experiences that await you.  

Believe: You too can "break on through to the other side".

Sharing this with you from:    Positive Adaptation and 'Think, Feel and Do'  your way into becoming the best you can be.  Remember, life is to be enjoyed, not survived!

The art of wearing a mask, or is it?

Wearing a Mask: People who suffer from low self-esteem try to look calm when they are not; try to hide their embarrassment when they think they've made a mistake; attempt to look like they understand a discussion when in fact, they don't; try to look confident when they feel inadequate; and exert a lot of energy trying to "look good." They feel that others will think less of them if they show emotion or admit to “not knowing” something and try to maintain the appearance that all is well, when that is not at all how they feel. They feel too vulnerable to let others see that they have problems or that they have difficulties in their lives.

We all wear a mask hiding our true identity and easily turn into the greatest actors and actresses in the attempt to deceive those who surround our lives.  

The mask we wear disguises and hides who we truly are inside and protects our soul from being tainted and torn in shreds by the harsh judgement of others. 

The smiles and laughter we display are clever devices hiding our pains and sorrows we carry within us. While the tears and heart break displayed for all to see only show the thin cracks of the mask we wear, allowing small portion of how we truly ache inside be seen from observers quietly watching for you to reveal yourself. The choices and actions that we make are often deemed adequate by our friends, family, and the strangers that seemingly enters our life. As people get to know you, they are unknowingly lied to, becoming friends with the illusion you created for them to see. 

 One day we will look in a mirror and realize that we don’t know the person who is staring back at us. We will learn that the mask we have worn for so long became our true face, and the one underneath that has been to afraid to be shown to the world has become our true disguise. That it was hidden for so long that we have even forgotten the person we once truly were, and we’ll be afraid to know who we once were ourselves.

People with low self esteem are so good at using these masks, for what ever reason, however we need to be brave and honest enough to ourselves to identify the type of mask we are wearing, work on developing our self esteem, and brave life with who you truly are.   

Be true to yourself:  be who YOU want to be not what others expect you to be, don't live by the opinions or choices of others, never sacrifice who you are for others, 

Be true to yourself:  Open your eyes to the beauty around you, open your mind to the wonders of your life, open your heart to those who love you, and ALWAYS, ALWAY be true to yourself. 

Thats it for now...here's raising my cuppa to you,
be blessed....

Dear Workaholic

The Workaholics: These low self-esteem sufferers know they have the ability and skills to be successful in their careers and devote the majority of their time and energy into making that happen. Success brings them a degree of satisfaction and feelings of adequacy as long as they remain in the job or position from which they get praise and/or respect and reward. Tending to gravitate where they feel best about themselves, work becomes a form of self-sabotage, as they place work before family or social arenas in which they feel less adequate. Workaholics often don't have time for a personal life or ignore and neglect those who are in their lives. Often they become overachievers.

Do you know of some one that's a workaholic?  I sure do, even I have been termed by people as being a "workaholic"  One day, a friend of mine Paul, told me to get a life, because all I do is work, work at work work at home, work for this or that, but never take time for me and then for my family.
Did I change? No, I just reshuffled things a bit to look like I changed, and made excuses..."Oh, Im still at work, trying to avoid the traffic you know" or "I'm just busy with a student, you cant chase them out and say you going home now!" when in fact the student left ages ago but you still hanging around in the office.

Why do we do that?  Is it because there are just so many demands in the work place lately that you even go to the loo with you iPad, Blackberry Z10 or PS4/5 or whatever device that is now so convenient that you can work from home, in the car, on the toilet, while on a holiday, in Church?  I mean...it can operate on silent right? No one will know what you typing away there.

Are we avoiding something or someone?  Maybe you avoiding those GIANTS in your head, maybe you avoiding being lonely, or maybe things are not as it should be at home.

Do you have anything to prove at work? Oh I can really get started on this topic....particularly where we find ourselves presently in South Africa,  in the unhealthy work climate of employment equity, the undermining, the jealousy of colleagues one to another, backstabbing and just plain old insecurities.  But, its not the answer is it.

So how do we overcome the insecurity of being a Workaholic?
Tuff question I do admit.
1. Realise it can become addictive
2. What are you avoiding in your life?
3. You work hard to prove your worth?  

• Identify Why you feel inadequate or worthless?  
• What can you do about it?  
• Better your skills?  why not
• Whatever it is, whatever it takes   DO IT

There is only one person in life that can manage and in a sense direct your life and give you the permission to pursue what ever you intend to do...and that is YOU.

In saying this, its also important to rely on God to provide you wisdom and guidance, leading you to a wonderful invigorating sense of joy freedom and happiness.

This reminds me so of a song we often hear in Church.......Psalm 37:3

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord

And He delighteth in his(your) way

Tho’ he(thats now you) fall, he (you)shall not be utterly cast down

For the Lord upholdeth you with his hand

Be Blessed...here's raising my cuppa to you!

Do you drive a car? Can you remember when you did your first hill start?

The learning process

In the process of finding ourselves, we need to realise, its no plain sailing or getting in the car and going, there are the rules we need to learn, understand the directions, under stand the basics of the upkeep of a cars engine, interior and exterior, we then pass the learner stage, and finally pass the test to drive our vehicle on the road.  

Similarly is our life and relationships skills. 
We have to first unlearn bad habits then learn how to relate properly. It will feels strange at first, we fail a few times, get it right on some occasions, but remember that practice makes perfect. Communicating, sharing and being willing to work on (like a car service) our relationship with ourselves and with others is vital to ensure all the cogs are working insync. 

Hope you keeping up with your hourly journal, remember, change is not easy, keep those tissues close by, but once you get it right..start the engine, keep it in neutral for a while just until you ready for the next gear change.

Until next time...remember you are important to yourself first and then to others...

1. oh! let me share some me humor on this topic...when I feel im not  good enough or going thru a ruff patch emotionally, I apply my reddest lipstick, look at myself in the mirror, and say, "hi sexy...i think you are just oh so cute," pout my lips and say "mamma loves you" then give myself a kiss myself in the mirror and walk away....when I think of this action I have such a good laugh at myself, but heck, why not!

Blessings...and here is sharing my cuppa and some me humor with you

Oh heavens! Are we so needy...

Being Needy is a basic need...however all or many people believe that they are lovable and knowing that they are loved. When people have low self-esteem, however, they are anxiously unsure of themselves and likely even question if they are lovable. One of the main ways people try to find an answer to this question is to look to others, hyper anxiously watching the others’ behaviours, listening to their words and tone of voice, mentally recording the ways that person acts toward them, even keeping score of what they think works and doesn’t work. Of course, all too often their conclusion is not accurate.

Desperately seeking reassurance that they are lovable, those with low self-esteem look outside themselves and at the behaviour of those closest to them, to find answers to the question of being lovable. Then, if the person who professes to love them, does not act in ways that they think would indicate this love, the person being needy: 1) try harder to please in order to win the love and attention of the significant other 2) become angry when they feel the significant other is withholding giving them what they need, or 3) feel they must be deserving of this treatment and conclude that they are indeed, unlovable. Finding this explanation unbearable, however, they continue to vacillate between depression and anger toward the person from whom they want affirmation.

Unfortunately, much of the disappointment the “needy” persons have toward the significant other is the result of their own insecurity, their neediness that demands constant reinforcement, their unreasonable expectations, their irrational expectations, poor communication, holding in feelings, and all in all, chaos.

People need to satisfy their emotional needs. These are intellectual – thinking about what they are doing or want,existential – existing satisfactorily, and relational – relating to others around them, communicating or sharing your emotional needs with a trusted person/friend/life coach.

So how do you do this?  How do you move from emotional needy to being emotionally free?

• Write down your 10 needs in life. (just one word)
• Place them in priority order...YOUR priority.
• Write down next to each one 
• HOW you want these needs met
• WHAT you can do by having your needs met
• WHY you can benefit from changing your neediness to being more positive
• Finally...working thru this in your journal, take a bold 1st step and show you can change.

Joy, happiness and satisfaction comes when you set yourself free

So ...learning with you step by step, I raise my cuppa to you

Life is a journey..lets grab hold of these challenges and celebrate

a life of emotional freedom,

Blessings

FLOATING away in your personal Dinghy????

On the topic of inadequacy, lets look at some of those GIANTS that are blocking the way to us being totally adequate, live with confidence, good self esteem, happiness and just the amazing ability to laugh for the sheer pleasure of it.

Self-Sabotaging  = what does that mean?
(To self-sabotage is to behave in ways that are not in one's own best interest.)

Self-sabotaging falls into three categories:

The Floaters, The needy and The Workaholics

Today we focussing on...The Floaters: These are people who are unable or unwilling to take charge of their lives or make changes to their lives, they float through life taking what comes their way.  These people often become underachievers, convinced it's the best that they can do and are fearful of failure or rejection, they stay at jobs with inadequate pay with poor or nonexistent benefits, or in abusive and unfulfilling relationships. They avoid taking classes or bettering their education (for fear they would fail), don’t join groups (for fear they won't fit in), refuse to seek therapy (because it would be an admission of inadequacy), and may even be ashamed to be seen purchasing a self-help book and think its a whole lot of hogwash. With the result they remain stuck, repeating their mistakes, unaware of their self-defeating behavior, and unable to do things differently from the past.

So, how does one get off the dingy you floating in, remove the gumboots and rainjacket and take a bold step to change? One thing is for certain, soon than later that dingy of yours will get a puncture, deflate and where will that leave you?

Begin by being truthful to yourself. Start a journal today, with these topics (spend an hour a day) focus on them, ask yourself these questions, then start applying the positive thoughts to your life, step by step:

• what makes me a floater?
• how can I change?
• why I need this change in my life.

In any situation you find yourself in, look for truth, search for it deep in your heart. Let that truth of your heart flow, and you will see obstacles melt like ice.

Truth has strength and power of its own

If a truth sets you free, what does a lie do?

It binds you.

It will hold you against your will.

The truth let's you live life

to the fullest

your cheeks will be rosy

and you'll be smiling

but what about a lie?

A lie will hurt you

and your life will be dark and dreary

you'll look pale and sunken

and your face will show pain

A lie will bind you.

So then the truth shall set you free.

till next time...here's raising my cuppa to you.

Blessings!

 

So, you feel inadequate...not good enough hey?

Do you think you’re not as good as someone else? What’s new? 

We all feel this way at sometime. Don’t settle for the same old familiar tune of friends and family. Friends and family say they mean well and often what they say is honest. But does it really satisfy your emotional need?

When we are feeling inadequate what is really going on? It is not just a question of the glass half empty or half full. Either we haven’t lived up to our own expectations or we fear we won’t live up to our own expectations or maybe the expectations of others. Where do our expectations come from?

My expectations come from my self-image. I would like to excel in everything, well, mostly everything.  When I put my mind to it I have excelled at many things. Yet, have I excelled at being MYSELF?  Does that realization make me feel adequate? Not really.  When placed on disability from work how will I deal with the reality of the situation? How will this affect my family emotionally and how will they react toward me now that their tower of strength needs a tower of strength?

What then makes me feel adequate? Sometimes it is simple things like straightening the house and making the bed. Today it’s been the ability to take a shower without fear of falling, without people hovering outside just in case, today its getting this blog written tremors and all.

I have thought for days how I can take this blog to the next level. Now that I am writing, it is taking a form different than what I thought it would. This is not the first time a blog has written itself and come out differently.  Sometimes I’m concerned that what I would say would sound corny. Now I see those fears were a means for my unconscious thoughts to come up with a new answer. The answer for me to feel adequate seems that I must just go ahead and just do it. That means of course figuring out what you are afraid of, and finding a way to approach it.

When we feel inadequate we are also feeling overwhelmed. Yet, a huge task like putting a man on the moon wasn't done in a day. It took thousands of people working over a decade to make it a reality. The overall tasks seemed impossible. Yet when they broke it down into do-able parts it was accomplished.

So, when we feel inadequate how should we approach it? Well, we need to define the task, break it down into do-able parts, and get started.

This may seem right when we’re overwhelmed by a future task. I would define the task, to find my expectations, review the outcomes, look for lessons learned (from past experience), and celebrate my successes. We can always claim we tried. We can always identify factors outside and within our control that prevented us from reaching our expectations. Then we can design new strategies to prevent those things from happening again. This process is easier if you have somebody help you work it through, but let me tell you its even more rewarding just doing it, seeing the outcome and feeling great!

That is one of the tasks of a coach and that means you need not do it on your own, you have support.

What in your life is making you feel inadequate? How have you coped with your feelings of inadequacy in the past. How have you overcome them?  What wisdom can you add?

You feel you need a coach…im just an email away.

So, here's raising my cuppa to you as I sign off..

Blessings to you